About twenty-five years ago, I had a definitive spiritual experience that left me both transformed and profoundly confused. In Rinzai Zen, a student is often given a koan—a seemingly contradictory statement—to ponder until it forces an opening in perception. In much the same way, I was left to live inside a mystery I couldn’t yet comprehend.
Like many who have near-death experiences, I didn’t speak of it for years. I lacked the language to make it make sense to others, and at times, it felt easier to dismiss it as a vivid dream. While the experience was an awakening, it was initially just a crack in the fabric of my consciousness—a crack that would, in time, cause my entire worldview to collapse. It simply would not allow false belief structures to remain.
The Mountain and the Thunderbolt
It happened on an ordinary morning. I had been reading about the renowned sage Sri Ramakrishna and felt a wave of despondency. I perceived a tremendous chasm between my own state of consciousness and the enlightenment he described. It seemed as though a vast, insurmountable mountain lay before me, one I had no capacity to ascend.
Then, suddenly, I was struck as if by a thunderbolt.
Waves of energy began coursing through me, and a profound “knowing” washed over me: I was perfect, complete, and whole—and I could never be anything else. I burst out laughing. I laughed at all the effortful spiritual practices I had endured, and at the years of angst and anxiety I had spent trying to “fix” or change myself. The joke was on me: I was already there.
The Return of the Clouds
Over the following days, the initial elation drifted away. I felt almost back to where I started, though my consciousness had shifted; when I sat to meditate, I could drop into stillness instantly. Yet, the old mental patterns—the “dust” of the mind—returned and refused to vanish.
In the years since, I have come to view this experience through two distinct lenses:
Devotional: One could say that God perceives us exactly as we were created: perfect and complete. We are “made in the image of God,” the recipients of an unending fountain of unconditional love, regardless of our perceived failings.
Vedanta: This was a “crash course” in non-duality. We are what Vedanta calls the Atman, the Self that is identical to Brahman. We are Purnam (Fullness) and Ananda (Bliss).
Breaking Identification
The most vital lesson I learned is that the thoughts that trouble us are not us. We simply need to stop identifying with them, and they will lose their power.
Ramana Maharshi taught a direct path to realizing the Self:
“The thought ‘I am this body’ or ‘I am these thoughts’ is the source of all trouble. Stop identifying with the ‘I-thought,’ and the real ‘I-I’ (the Self) will shine forth.”
Ramakrishna used a beautiful analogy for this process:
“The heart of the devotee is like a mirror. If it is covered with the dust of worldliness, it cannot reflect the light of God. But when the dust is wiped away, the light shines forth.”
We are already the perfection we seek. We are not the dust; we are the mirror. We are not the flickering movies; we are the screen. Time may be required for the “dust” of old habits to settle, but the light itself is already present. You are already THAT.
